world,

you don’t understand how much we want to be.  underneath the calories and reps and deprivation, it’s all we want.  

we can say how much we love it.  the feeling of being light and empty.  the rush of our first appearance-based compliment.  the once-tight clothes that now hang off our ever-shrinking bodies.  and we do love it.

we can say how much we hate it, too.  the constant hunger.  the weakness.  the tears.  the binges.  the scale.  and we do hate it.

we can say in the end, it’s worth it.  

…

but we still watch you from afar.  the ones who eat whatever they want. who’ve never stepped in a gym.  who’ve never needed to care about the numbers. who never did anyways.  we would kill to be you.  we can deny it until the day we die, but this decision, to make it… it sucks.  

we want to be different.  to be happy with ourselves.  to be confident.  to feel beautiful.  

be you?  what does that even mean?  who we are, how we define ourselves is by what we eat.  how fast we can run.  how long we can do those crunches.  our lives are our bodies.  we run away from finding who we truly are, what we believe in, what and whom we love, because it terrifies us.  it terrifies us to realize that at some point we’re going to know… and we may not be happy with the result.

…

but who knows?  maybe i’m the only one that feels this way.  and some days it sure feels like it.

love,

simplysmallerme